exit: pursued by a bear

disney: implausibilities ingrained

i’m watching beauty and the beast as i fold my laundry. i know. you’re right… i’m 24, and i have yet to obtain a laundress. so sad. oh well.

anyway, these are my thoughts as i watch and fold. enjoy. or not.

• ooo. it’s starting.
• so the prince is home alone (lives alone, we suppose, as he has no parents when belle horns in on his bachelor pad sometime later) and shuns the grotesque beggar woman, barring her from entering his palace. wtf is wrong with that? how is that unreasonable? why would he allow a poor, perhaps schizophrenic bag lady into his home? this is compounded by the fact that “years later” he’s about to turn 21… umm, so he was a child, at home alone, who wouldn’t allow a stranger to spend the night. yes, let’s curse him. that seems justified.
• these villagers keep interspersing random french words with english. are we to assume this is somewhere, like, montreal? is this… could this be a canadian film? oh god.
• okay, like gaston would pick belle the freaky book snob over the doe-eyed blonde triplets. this is perhaps the hardest thing to swallow out of the whole movie. and this movie has dancing dishes, if i recall correctly.

• her dad is such an idiot. how are we supposed to believe he’s invented anything other than a way to turn oxygen into co2? “where have you taken us phillippe?” - he’s a fucking horse. he’s taken you to where you have led him. also… is this the same actor who played jasmine’s dad? they look just alike.

• what is with le fou’s nose? it looks like a boil.
• is gaston based on david puddy?
• can she… is belle talking to phillippe the horse? to be a disney princess do you have to talk to animals? snow white… cinderella… mulan… pocahontas… ariel… there seems to be a theme, here…
• ballsy, she is, just walkin into a creepy castle like she owns the place.
• ah, yup. beast just did the swap. sick, stupid old man for bitchy girl in blue. upgrade.
• “oh, try to be patient, sir. the girl’s lost her father and her freedom all in one day.” boy that mrs. potts is a real downer.
• what kind of beast is he, exactly? it looks like a bear/wolf/horned-devil hybrid. with a hint of mountain goat.
• these dishes and various furniture pieces should be shattered and dismembered for insubordination. this ‘be our guest’ number is in direct violation of their master’s wishes. belle deserves to starve if she refuses to dine in his company… how can they not see that?
• “life is so unnerving for a servant who’s not serving. he’s not whole without a soul to wait upon” —— where can i find me some of these good, kind people who share lumiere’s sentiment?!
• uh oh. belle is going to the forbidden west wing. BURN HER.
• oh. hold off. she’s going to the library. phew.
• bitch juked them! she faked them out and is now wandering through the west wing! BURN HER!
• sure belle. just put your grimy little hands all over everything. it’s fine.
• she always kind of flares her nose when beast’s around. think he smells bad? probably.
• ooo, gaston’s plotting. what a total dick. why is he so into belle? and why is this creepy fellow he’s plotting with so green? is he seasick? he’s so evil… i sometimes feel that way when i’m under the weather.
• back to the castle. oh, we’re in the snow. we’re feeding birds. we’re cute.
• what kind of dog do we think the footstool is? i’m going with some sort of terrier. yorkshire, maybe.
• “i want to show you something. but first, you have to close your eyes. it’s a surprise.” - and then he BURNS HER.

• shit that’s a lot of books. think of how much space he’d save if he had a kindle.
• is that porridge they’re eating? i think my mom used to make that. it’s like oatmeal for poor people :/
• beast must be pretty secure in himself to wear a cape in a such a regal hue of purple. he’s right, though, it is perfection. and with a magenta lining! fancy.
• tale as old as time….. ah, memories. i had the beauty and the beast barbie dolls. belle’s dress looked like gold foil, and beast’s monster-face was removable, so sometimes i’d put it on other barbies to punish them when they didn’t conform to my will.

• okay, wait. is this not beastiality? if not, then, like, where do you draw the line of distinction…?
• dancing, dancing, lalalala…
• this castle is totally GORGE. i wonder if they rent it out for events? it’d be perf for my friend’s wedding…
• now we’re on the balcony. no good ever comes of a balcony scene…
• she’s playing you, beast! she’s gonna leave! and your flower will wilt! and you will be FOREVER UGLY (which is the worst thing that anyone could ever be, evidently)…
• wait… is that the same magic mirror sirius black gives to harry!? how did it get from canada all the way to hogwarts?!

• yup, she’s gone. told you. it’s that stupid dad again.
• question: how come lumiere’s wax never melts? he’s flailing about like a rockette and yet there is no drippage. i bet he’s one of those LED candles. this movie was so before its time.
• oops, sorry got distracted by fb. now they’re charging the castle.
• well, okay, they’re singing about charging the castle. which reminds me… if we’re as impressionable as they say we are, we’d sing a lot of our feelings and activities, just like disney has taught us. life would essentially be an episode of glee. and while i’d be singing about my laundry and waiting for prince charming (actually kinda am… just a little) my guy friends would be total thugs because they played a lot of grand theft auto. and yet they’re dentisting and accounting and paying for vehicles more often than not. i guess we’re not the sponges we should be.
• is there a chip missing from human chip’s tooth? or skull?
• this yocal is plucking the feathers from that slutty duster. this seems overtly sexual. i’m sure that’s not how they meant it.
• the beast is soooo sad looking! and he’s just gonna let gaston kill him. he’s lost his will to live.
• oh, belle shows up. finally, bitch, about time.
• he’s fighting back! and gaston’s hair is undone. it’s not pretty.
• oh, beast is showing some compassion. nooooo. he let gaston go. THIS IS ALWAYS A MISTAKE. oh, okay, well, then he gets literally stabbed in the back. see?
• ooo… gaston’s gone. lost his balance. that’s cool of the disney storytellers to make his death the work of his own clumsiness rather than at beast’s hand (paw?)… so that we don’t have to forgive beast’s murderous tendencies in order to have compassion and love for him…
• though gaston’s death isn’t necessarily carved in stone… he could have hit a soft patch of cliff?
• oh no. beast. is. dying. aslkfjwo;ijef.
• belle’s all crying and shit. saying it’s her fault.
• yep. yep, it’s her fault.
• ahhh, she loves him. TOO LATE. the petal has fallen.
• oh. wait. meteors or something. GLITTER FROM THE SKY. he’s levitating. RUN BELLE, this is some wiccan, voodoo shit.

• he’s morphing into a rather hairless blonde man. i did not see this one coming.
• ugh, that footstool is not a terrier.
• and that duster maid is WAY too hot for lumiere. he looks like dave coulier. with a ponytail.
• mrs. potts, are you sure you’re chips mom? you look a bit long in the tooth to have such youthful spawn.
• ooo, that stained glass window would go great in my room.

mkay, well, i guess i should get back to folding. since i only completed half… having been distracted quite thoroughly by beauty, beast, and the gang.

bye.