constant vigilance
my grandmother, uncle and i watched a movie tonight. here’s how it went:
me - “hey, that’s the guy from friday night lights.”
later…
uncle - “and robert duvall, haven’t seen him in a while.”
later…
me - “oh, the lady from the fighter. the one who said fuck at the oscars.”
later…
me - “ah, the girl from true blood. she’s a waitress on there, too. she’s a vampire though. not here from the looks of it. it’s daytime.”
later…
me - “they’re all so southern sounding. it’s silly. they sound silly. y’all. ma’am… it’s just strange.”
later…
me - “this acting… it could be better.”
uncle - “it’s an independent film.”
me - “aren’t those supposed to be the good ones?”
later…
me - “this is like, a cross between a really unfunny happy gilmore and tuesdays with morrie, isn’t it?”
uncle - “seems about right.”
later…
me - “they keep saying gosh. is this a jesus movie? did you rent a jesus movie and make us watch it?”
grandma - “they’re not talking about jesus, they’re talking about god.”
me - <blank stare> “tomato, tomahto, grandma. this is a jesus movie. i know it.”
grandma - “oh, i don’t know about that.”
later…
me - “oooo, and she refuses the kiss. she refuses the kiss?! they’re like 30. catching fireflies. no kissing. what’s the rating on this? is it g? i think a guy earlier said, ‘bucko’.”
later…
me - “last putt. he makes it, he wins. he’s gonna make it.”
<the screen fades to black whilst talking about god/jesus>
me - “what the fffff….”
grandma - “did he make the putt?”
<the voice over of robert duvall talks about how it doesn’t matter whether or not he makes the putt… that the putt isn’t the point… that jesus is>
uncle - “we seriously don’t even get to know if he made it?”
<the screen says, ‘if you want to find out the ending, go to www.didhemaketheputt.com>
me - “we just watched a whole jesus movie… and for what?”
<i peruse the website via my phone, watching the youtube video that supposedly explains if he made the putt… it’s 8 minutes long, and jesus this and jesus that… i don’t bother watching>
grandma - “did he make the putt?”
me - “i don’t know. i’m just going to google it. see, oh, right here. ‘christian drama’ is the genre. we just got screwed out of two hours of our life… and, i can’t, i can’t find the ending, here. they all just say that you have to go to that stupid video.”
i just want to know if HE MADE THE FUCKING PUTT?
